Archive for July, 2012

So a ton has changed in my life since last I posted. My life unbelievably flipped, and while initially I thought my world was coming crashing down around me inception style– some horrible dream I just could not snap out of– turns out it has been for the better.

Bluntly, my relationship of 10 years ended. That’s 10. It is so many years I no longer need to write-out the number. For more perspective, 10 years is 40% of my lifetime. It was abrupt and almost like a death. I mourned my past life, convinced that my entire identity was dissolving. At the crux of my sadness was a lot of insecurity. The kind of self-doubt that suffocates. I believed I was ugly and unlovable. I thought I was much too strange to date and did not think I would be capable of loving again. On top of that, my ex was very closely tied to my last experiences with my mother. It would be impossible for me to erase this relationship without inadvertently erasing the remnants of my mother in my mind. To say the least, it was tough. Two or three weeks later I threw myself into socialization, spontaneity and above all else finding a new apartment to escape from the confines of pain I felt every moment I spent in the apartment I built for my ex and I with longevity in mind. I drank too much, did not sleep, did not eat. All told, I lost 15 lbs in a month and very nearly hit rock bottom.

It’s incredible the way humans support one another and empathize with pain. At the lowest point, I truly did not think I had anyone left in my court. My father was busy, occupied with a woman who was not my mother, and my brother was leaving shortly to travel around the world to Uganda! Still, friends came out of the woodwork, showing support, never aggravated no matter how irrational I was. They provided much needed distractions and I am forever indebted to them, probably more than they will ever know.

While looking for my new abode, I was fated to meet someone new. My mindset at the time was to do whatever felt right– to fully embrace what life had to offer and not be fearful of consequences. With that, I engaged in a rather aggressive casual flirtation with none other than my real estate agent. ha! Luckily for me, he is neither rapist, nor woman-hater. In fact, he’s rather devoid of any dysfunction, especially compared to most of the men I knew up to that point. He is so comfortable with himself and confident that I had no expectations he would have any interest in me. Surprisingly, we were very honest with each other from the start– no games. This led to the epiphany that would quite literally rock my world. I looked inward to diagnose all the pieces of my life. Was this just a rebound? Am I still hung up on my ex? Am I ready for any of this? The conclusion I came to was that I had deluded myself into thinking my old relationship was salvageable.  It was more out of fear of the unknown that I shut out life, and felt so terrible about myself. I spent years hurt and angry, no passion, just resentment. Allowing myself to continue in that way was an injustice. I have always pioneered for women. I could identify when other women were being mishandled, and yet was blind to the disrespect I had for myself. It was with this realization that a weight lifted. I am not sure the last time I felt so happy.

To clarify though, my ex is not a bad person. He and I were both extremely dysfunctional together. We were together too young and harbored bitterness from the mistakes of our youth. He is still my very best friend and I will always want the very best for him. It is only now I can see we are far more beneficial to each other merely as friends.

Now, I am branching out and trying many new things. One such thing is climbing, indoor and outdoor. Every day, I’m itching to do more, even when my muscles physically cannot move. I am becoming increasingly physical and I love it. When I was growing up, I was always the tom-boy type, ready to try anything. Finally, I am getting back to that. I am making plans I look forward to eagerly. Even when I do not plan, I am doing things I love. Just two days ago, I walked from Central Sq to Kendall back over the bridge to Back Bay on a whim at midnight in the rain. I am not entirely sure what it is about that, but it makes me feel reconnected to being a human. I’m not numbing life with reality programming, drowning my sorrows in tubs of fat, sheltered in an air conditioned home. At this moment, I am enlivened.

Here’s to a new chapter in my life. Here’s to feeling everything with my fingertips. Here’s to love. Here’s to life.


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