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I am so, so sorry for ignoring you since August. This blog was made with the pure intention of sharing all the crazy amazing (and not so amazing) things that have happened in our lives. I am a delinquent. It’s not that I didn’t want to keep everyone updated and create a visual and verbal breadcrumb of everything that has happened. It’s just that every time I went to this blog, I wanted to say so much, but I didn’t know where to start. I am a bit rusty. I will also throw out the “I don’t have time” card. On top of my career, I am also taking classes at NYU after work and on weekends. This week’s assignment in my Advanced Social Media class is to write three blog entries. I am hoping that this is the push that I need to get my fire started again. This week could be three and next week, I could have three more.

So blog and friends, please know that more will be coming. I will make up for the radio silence that have happened from my part for the last year.

Till next time,

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#BostonStrong

#BostonStrong

what a powerful cover

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I’m not the type of person to think about her future wedding day. Maybe just the color of my future bridesmaid dresses (emerald green, turquoise, or royal blue), season, or kind of food we would serve, but that’s the extent of it. I have/had a Save The Date board on “pinterest,” but then I got lazy and stopped pinning after about one week.

I would rather think about the type of family I would raise > a wedding. If I had it my way, I would just have a destination elopement to get it over with. I am not engaged, but I’ve thrown around this idea…Jimmy and my family are not sold on it, and said that Rachel, the youngest daughter (age 15), is only allowed to do this. We all know that Rachel is going to be the one with the most extravagant wedding. I wouldn’t be surprised if she ordered fireworks as a reception finale. -_-

Back to the family I would raise. Sometimes, I think of family scenarios that would happen. Hey, I have to think about something when I go running. Sometimes, when I’m upset, I think about the situation and over-analyze it in my head, but for the past few months, I’ve had more good days than I deserve. Today, I went through Jimmy’s work bag to look for our shared iPod charger. What did I find? Mountains of red pencils. I called him to ask about it, and he said “what do you expect? I’m an auditor.” I, then, envisioned a future scene: our son would ask Jimmy for help with his homework. Jimmy would take out his red pencil, circle everything and say some auditor insult like “He’s all liabilities, no assets” or “If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate” or “If a meaningful analytical review were bird droppings, he’s have a clean cage.”

haha. Okay, I googled all of those insults and I actually L.O.L. Thank goodness my business degree was good for something = understanding auditor jokes.

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My boyfriend has been on a no-carb diet for the last few months.

On one hand, I am proud of him and am so happy that he’s on it (YAY! no more of him asking if we can eat bread, pizza, and pasta – I am not a fan), but on the other hand, I feel like he’s gotten way too skinny – he’s lost almost 45 pounds in five months (9 pounds a month).

That was my side note. My real rambling? I am sort of on a low-carb thing (sushi and Friday – Saturdays are exceptions, of course!), as a side effect of us living together. I am ashamed to admit this, and I would never say this out loud, but I have begun to judge food. It’s horrible. Every time I see food in front of my face or I see food photography, I begin to think to myself “that’s a carb. that’s not a carb. grosssss carbs.” Or, when I eat carbs, I feel so gross with myself for eating it and want to run on the treadmill at 8.0 speed (which I can do now because my boyfriend likes to train me like he’s Trainer Bob from The Biggest Loser). It leaves me wondering, does anyone else judge food like this?

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Everyday, I need a dose of my The Lumineers. Ever since I saw them in concert (Williamsburg no less – so hipster of me), I am a true believer of their voice, talent (each person plays about 5 instruments!), and charisma to take over the charts. I am obsessed with them, and I hope the rest of the world will follow suit. I feel like a proud mama – I have heard their songs recently in a Blue Moon commercial, a Bing commercial, and Vh1 You Oughta Know Live commercial. My roomie has even been creepily tracking their uptick in search (she uses their “fame growth” as a SEO teaching lesson in her monthly class)!

Can they just be super famous already?

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So a ton has changed in my life since last I posted. My life unbelievably flipped, and while initially I thought my world was coming crashing down around me inception style– some horrible dream I just could not snap out of– turns out it has been for the better.

Bluntly, my relationship of 10 years ended. That’s 10. It is so many years I no longer need to write-out the number. For more perspective, 10 years is 40% of my lifetime. It was abrupt and almost like a death. I mourned my past life, convinced that my entire identity was dissolving. At the crux of my sadness was a lot of insecurity. The kind of self-doubt that suffocates. I believed I was ugly and unlovable. I thought I was much too strange to date and did not think I would be capable of loving again. On top of that, my ex was very closely tied to my last experiences with my mother. It would be impossible for me to erase this relationship without inadvertently erasing the remnants of my mother in my mind. To say the least, it was tough. Two or three weeks later I threw myself into socialization, spontaneity and above all else finding a new apartment to escape from the confines of pain I felt every moment I spent in the apartment I built for my ex and I with longevity in mind. I drank too much, did not sleep, did not eat. All told, I lost 15 lbs in a month and very nearly hit rock bottom.

It’s incredible the way humans support one another and empathize with pain. At the lowest point, I truly did not think I had anyone left in my court. My father was busy, occupied with a woman who was not my mother, and my brother was leaving shortly to travel around the world to Uganda! Still, friends came out of the woodwork, showing support, never aggravated no matter how irrational I was. They provided much needed distractions and I am forever indebted to them, probably more than they will ever know.

While looking for my new abode, I was fated to meet someone new. My mindset at the time was to do whatever felt right– to fully embrace what life had to offer and not be fearful of consequences. With that, I engaged in a rather aggressive casual flirtation with none other than my real estate agent. ha! Luckily for me, he is neither rapist, nor woman-hater. In fact, he’s rather devoid of any dysfunction, especially compared to most of the men I knew up to that point. He is so comfortable with himself and confident that I had no expectations he would have any interest in me. Surprisingly, we were very honest with each other from the start– no games. This led to the epiphany that would quite literally rock my world. I looked inward to diagnose all the pieces of my life. Was this just a rebound? Am I still hung up on my ex? Am I ready for any of this? The conclusion I came to was that I had deluded myself into thinking my old relationship was salvageable.  It was more out of fear of the unknown that I shut out life, and felt so terrible about myself. I spent years hurt and angry, no passion, just resentment. Allowing myself to continue in that way was an injustice. I have always pioneered for women. I could identify when other women were being mishandled, and yet was blind to the disrespect I had for myself. It was with this realization that a weight lifted. I am not sure the last time I felt so happy.

To clarify though, my ex is not a bad person. He and I were both extremely dysfunctional together. We were together too young and harbored bitterness from the mistakes of our youth. He is still my very best friend and I will always want the very best for him. It is only now I can see we are far more beneficial to each other merely as friends.

Now, I am branching out and trying many new things. One such thing is climbing, indoor and outdoor. Every day, I’m itching to do more, even when my muscles physically cannot move. I am becoming increasingly physical and I love it. When I was growing up, I was always the tom-boy type, ready to try anything. Finally, I am getting back to that. I am making plans I look forward to eagerly. Even when I do not plan, I am doing things I love. Just two days ago, I walked from Central Sq to Kendall back over the bridge to Back Bay on a whim at midnight in the rain. I am not entirely sure what it is about that, but it makes me feel reconnected to being a human. I’m not numbing life with reality programming, drowning my sorrows in tubs of fat, sheltered in an air conditioned home. At this moment, I am enlivened.

Here’s to a new chapter in my life. Here’s to feeling everything with my fingertips. Here’s to love. Here’s to life.

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As a personal tradition I’ve always had a running list of resolutions that carryover from year to year. Each year I cross resolutions off and add new ones on. After the year I had in 2011, I felt I had outgrown my list of resolutions. So much was thrown into stark perspective, I failed to see what a list could do for my life. Still, Winette encouraged me to highlight my year. So here’s to the good, the bad, the ugly, and the cosmetic life surgery I will need to budget in.

HIGH

  1. My very first boyfriend only vacation to the beautiful island of Vieques, PR. The only vacation I have ever had that did not increase my blood pressure.
  2. I lived in close proximity to many of the Cambridge squares. It has been two years since I’ve had a routine that involved a little bit of walking, a little bit of coffee, a little bit of sun and a lot of chatting each and every weekend.  Something about that habit was cathartic for me. This year, I made it happen– it made me realize I am passionate for coffee and maybe one day I will make something of it. Foreshadowing ensues!
  3. I finally got the hang of journal entries. I know, the easiest, right!? For whatever reason, it did not jive with my mind. I would have learned Game Theory faster than I caught on to debits and credits. Go figure, but at last my suffering is mostly over.
  4. A positive for me in 2011 was that more of my life didn’t fall apart, and I am still relatively healthy. This seems like a cop-out, but honestly, 2011 has been one of the most difficult years of my life. I spent ten months of the year putting myself back together mentally and emotionally. I am in a better place, but I’ve still got a long way to go. Here’s to 2012, hope it’s a good one.

LOW

  1. My puppy, Pancakes, caught Giardia which was the first time she was ever actually ill.  I was a worried mother. I spent hundreds of dollars getting her treatment and being conned by Banfield. She’s healthy now, but I cannot erase the pain of worrying whether my dog’s condition would get worse.
  2. My best friend from back home moved to the Cayman islands, and while we are not all over each like some good friends, she is pretty important to me. My other very good friend, ahem Winette, moved to New York. I am very choosy about my friends; I do not have many because I am not down with that casual acquaintance besties BS. Of the handful of really good friends I have two moved away and thus my isolation increased.
  3. In line with the friends motif, my true friends became evident during the hardest moment of my life. It became very clear who actually had the sensibilities to care and empathize and those who could not be bothered. I realized how necessary it is for a grieving person to have people reach out to her. It helps her remember the world isn’t full of shittiness and pulls her away from falling into a deep abyss of depression. One person in particular, I considered very close. Yet, over some trivial issues, said person decided not to contact me when I may have needed that person most, and on top of that effectively made that part of my life harder. Again, I lost another good friend and I felt more isolated than ever.
  4. (and 5.) So, to get to the event I alluded to this entire post: the death of my mother. It is so heavy on my heart that it is worth two bullet points. My family dynamic was tumultuous at best, full of heartache and anger. Through my life, my mother acted as mediator and was the liaison keeping my family together. She was the voice of reason, understanding and optimism. When she passed away, the fate of my family’s bond teetered on a thin wire. Would my father and I fight constantly again? What would motivate me to visit any of my relatives? How can my grandparents survive, at such an old age, the death of their youngest child? Who would take care of my brother emotionally? Even harder than those questions was the guilt I dealt with for not being a better daughter, not being financially stable enough to care for her myself and for many other issues in which I believed, whether justified or not, I had disappointed her.  I grappled with this for most of 2011, I lost sleep and withdrew from a lot, and so marked the lowest point of my life thus far.

IMPROVE

  1. Foster relationships with people I genuinely care about and avoid those who are flakey and two-dimensional
  2. Education- Series 7, driver’s license.
  3. Traveling- the Caymans, California
  4. To have a better relationship with my boyfriend, 2012 will be our 10 year anniversary. yep, that is a DECADE.
  5. Have a year without regret.

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